I Can't Cry Just Yet
by ilYamaTsuna7227li
Summary: When Tsuna dies, Yamamoto didn't cry, he didn't grieve, he didn't get angry or sad and Gokudera has to beat some sense into him and ask him directly, just to understand what was going on in the other's head. TYL!80TYL!27, TYL!8027, slight TYL!80TYL!59


**Author's note: **Wow, how many days has the 8027 community been on a standstill? DARN IT! WHY?

Anyway I've decided to make a one-shot for every pairing of this:

**TYL!8027**

**TYL!80TYL!27**

**TYL!2780**

**8027**

**2780**

**7280**

**8072**

**TYL!7280**

**TYL!8072**

**TYL!802780**

**TYL!278027**

**TYL!728027**

**TYL!278072**

**TYL!728072**

**728027**

**TYL!807280**

Oh my! So many! Hehe when I think of others I'll get back to it! Please enjoy this one!

...

Summary:When Tsuna dies, Yamamoto didn't cry, he didn't grieve, he didn't get angry or sad and Gokudera has to beat some sense into him and ask him directly just to understand what was going on in the other's head. TYL!80TYL!27, TYL!8027, slight TYL!80TYL!59

**Setting: **Vongola Base

**Time: **Future Arc

**Pairing: **TYL!8027

* * *

><p><strong>I Can't Cry Yet<strong>

_By ilYamaTsuna7227li_

_**24-year-old Yamamoto Takeshi's POV**_

The pain that I felt when Tsuna was gone…

..was, as expected, unbearable.

I didn't feel human anymore. The grief of his death sucked out my emotions… my joy, my love…

I couldn't even feel sad anymore. I couldn't feel angry or frustrated…

I didn't let one tear slip…

I just felt empty. Of course I did… Because I doubt there would be any rain if there is no sky.

But ironically enough, it was raining that day… That day when I gazed down on Tsuna's dead body. Sempai and Chrome… I didn't know if they heard about this. I couldn't bring myself to care either.

I just had to find something to do, something that will fill up the gap in my heart… Or what was left of it.

"Oi, i-idiot…" That weak but familiar voice. I tried to pin-point in my head who it was. Someone gripped my sleeve and I looked down and my sight met silver.

Oh, Gokudera.

He was trying not to collapse from what I could see.

"W-What's with that stupid look on your f-face?" He looked really tired, sad, and frustrated. I could tell that with a little more push he would lose it.

The grief and sadness he felt was taking a toll on his body… And yet I couldn't find it in myself to care.

I didn't answer him as he took deep breaths trying to steady his grief, trying to pull himself together. "Heh, so I guess even someone as stupid as you can stop smiling."

I blinked as he let go of me, finally. He cleared his throat and ran a hand through his messy hair. Compared to him, I looked neat and clean… "So, where are you going?"

"Off to kill people." I answered in a croaky voice. Huh, I haven't talked for a long time I guess. Gokudera's eyes narrowed at me.

"Tenth won't like that."

_Tenth._

Something inside my heart made me flinch. _Tsuna. _He should be saying. I didn't comment on what he said.

"Been visiting the grave again?" That got him and I saw him freeze. I almost felt bad for that, but then again, it was an almost.

"A-At least I have the decency to mourn him." Gokudera said and I saw his fist clench. "At least I still _feel _human. I feel so much like a human that it _hurts_. But at least, it still _hurts_."

"I'm sorry for not being human then." I stated as I began to walk.

"Wait! Stop you stupid baseball freak!" I felt a weak hand grab me from behind. It would be so easy to pry him off, but I didn't. Because I no longer cared. Not really.

"What the heck is wrong with you?" He shouted but his voice was on the edge of hysteria. Hey, wasn't it my job to keep the family together? I'm sure Tsuna said something about that before he died…

But then again, he's dead…

"I don't know what you're talking about." I answered blankly.

I felt the familiar action of him grabbing my collar. He did that too, on the day we got back from the base with Tsuna… but then it was too late… Of course it was too late…

He was bleeding…

So, so much…

I didn't see how anyone could survive that. And sempai wasn't even there…

At that time, Gokudera grabbed me by the collar when he realized that Tsuna was… dead. He shouted at me, yelled, cried, and grieved… He let everything out and I became a human punching bag and handkerchief for him that day.

"YOU-! CRY DAMMIT! CRY!" I was brought back to the present and I felt him shaking me… "WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH YOU? TENTH IS D-DEAD… Tenth i-is… d-dead…"

I didn't react as Gokudera slid to the floor, a sobbing mess once more. I could feel him apologizing to someone who wasn't there and I just stared at him.

"Y-You haven't e-even visited h-his grave…" Gokudera said in a broken voice. "H-Haven't e-even cried for h-him, s-stupid b-baseball f-freak."

But then, why should I cry?

"Tsuna wouldn't want me to cry…" I stated and with a start, I realized how true my words were. Was this perhaps the reason why I didn't shed a tear for my beloved best friend (possibly more)?

"T-That's t-true, b-but…" Gokudera inhaled sharply and I looked at him expectantly. "He wouldn't want you to be this way either…"

My eyes sharpened at Gokudera's statement. Usually, I laughed at his statements or ignored them outright. "At least I've eaten…" I said referring to Gokudera's thin figure. "I've slept…" I looked at his baggy eyes. "At least I wasn't wasting away… killing myself with grief… At least I'm doing well…" And with a raised voice I asked, "SO, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?"

SMACK!

My eyes widened at the pain on my left cheek. It would probably swell but at least it won't bleed. Gokudera was still too weak after all.

I placed a hand on the cheek Gokudera punched and looked at him. He was panting from the effort it took to punch me.

"Moron… stupid… Do you have any brain cells left?" Gokudera shouted and I just looked at him. "Didn't you love tenth at all?"

My eyes widened at what he said.

"I'm this way because I loved the tenth. He was a friend, a brother…" Gokudera gasped as new tears formed at the corner of his eyes. "I can't eat because the image of the tenth, dead, enters my mind. I can't sleep because my dreams become nightmares… They hurt more than reality…"

"Yet you…" Gokudera looks at me defiantly. "You who was chosen by tenth, who smiled and said so confidently that you loved the tenth with your whole heart… Can't even shed a tear for him… Can't even grieve for one sleepless night… WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU PLAYING AT?"

I watched as Gokudera glared at me with so much hate, so much malice. I reached for something in my pocket and then made it fall to the floor in front of Gokudera. The bomber's eyes flickered in surprise.

"What's this?"

I didn't answer as Gokudera picked it up. When he was reading it, I began to talk. "Aside from Byakuran, those are the names and addresses of the people who shot Tsuna."

Gokudera's hands began to shake as he looked at the crossed out names. "Y-You…"

"I didn't want anyone else undertaking it." I whispered lightly. "There's enough blood on the Vongola guardians' hands as it is… I didn't want anyone's conscience tainted what with Tsuna already gone..."

"W-Why?" Gokudera whispered quietly. I looked at him, although my eyes were blank, I could feel a determined expression stirring in my eyes.

"Because I love Tsuna." I stated and then I looked up at the ceiling. "I can't cry. I can't get frustrated, sad or angry because I love Tsuna. These emotions…" My hands clenched and I sighed. "They hurt so much that I have to subconsciously keep them locked up or else I'll go crazy…" My eyes looked down blankly. "I might just end up killing everyone due to my grief. It wouldn't matter if they were friends or not…"

I looked at Gokudera who was staring back at me in shock.

"…That's why it's better that I'm this way, really. Let me feel nothing for now Gokudera." I stated in a silent plea. "Don't make me visit the grave either or cry over Tsuna's picture because it will come crashing down onto me and I won't be able to take it."

I looked sideways at Gokudera who gave a sharp intake of breathe and nodded numbly. I looked at him with as much sadness that I could muster without breaking down.

"I'm sorry. But can you give me a few days? For now, in my current state I can't act as the rain who washes everything away." I smiled at him, an empty smile. "And in your current state, I doubt you can be the storm who is always at the center of attack."

I leaned down and picked up the paper from Gokudera's hand. There were still a few on the list who got away. I straightened up and turned my back on Gokudera.

"Let's both recover and put the family back together…" And with hesitation, knowing how much pain it would cause to say his name out loud, I said: "…For Tsuna."

And with that I left.

* * *

><p>It was a few weeks later, when I finally got my smile back, when I finally erased every person on that list, when I finally helped Gokudera put the family back together, that the unexpected happened.<p>

I was strolling in the Namimori forest, my swallow flying overhead trying to spot the CEDEF member sent over from Italy. With the fake intel, I doubt she'll find the base and knowing the danger of the forest, I doubt she would last long as well.

That's when I suddenly heard the familiar mechanical sounds of a Strau Mosca taking a stroll. My swallow chirped. Oh, how lucky, we found her… Although, she seemed to be in the company of one of those mechanical fiends.

"Attaco di Squalo…" There was the satisfying sound of my sword meeting metal rather than human flesh. "This should buy us one minute." I stated coolly as the evil machinery stopped in its tracks. I smiled stiffly at the CEDEF member as I casually placed my blade over my shoulder. "Help has arrived."

I looked over at the woman known as Lal Mirch and continued smiling but then two teens caught my attention and a voice (that has yet to reach maturity) made me freeze in shock. Although thanks to my years of training it was barely visible.

"Could you be…?" That voice. That voice that I have been dreaming about since just yesterday (I thought it would be safe to uncap my emotions a tiny bit… and it helped lighten my mood the next day, although in my dreams the voice was deeper)…

"Y-Yamamoto!"

"Huh?" I said, although my face looked perfectly unsurprised (my eyes' sharpness helped in this), in the inside, my heart, which I thought had long stopped, beat erratically against my chest. "This isn't some kind of bad joke, is it?" I had to control myself.

By the next time I spoke, my face was completely blank as I began to explain. "I came to get the agent from the External Advisors, but you guys are here too." I tried to control myself from looking too much at Tsuna. I held my sword tightly to keep my shuddering invisible.

_Tsuna…_

"But you've shrunk… An illusion?" I asked trying to lighten the mood but also serious at the same time.

Because there was no reason for the gods to suddenly give Tsuna back. No reason to throw him back into this world full of blood and killings… No reason to make him suffer all over again, right?

"A ghost?" But as I said that, my expression was still a bit off. I could feel Lal scrutinizing me nearby.

_He really is Yamamoto! _I could almost hear them think at the same time and I had the mad urge to laugh.

"We arrived here from the past because of the Ten-Year bazooka, and…" Tsuna began explaining and my eyes just naturally drifted over to him. The way his face made silly expressions as he explained, the way he placed his hand on his hair in frustration…

It was all so familiar and it made a deep cut in my soul, knowing that _my _Tsuna was gone… Wasn't there anymore…

"Uh, the ten year bazooka is something that Lambo has, and…" Tsuna still continued to explain. "The future and the past, have well…"

"I see! From the past!" I stated so that he could stop explaining. My heart continued to beat rapidly as Tsuna looked at me. Sweat dripped down my face as I chuckled. "I panicked." I blinked as a gentle looked overcame my expression. Already so emotional just by having Tsuna near… I had to get myself under control…

"No wonder…" I said more softly. "You seem well, Tsuna."

"A-Ah!" And Tsuna smiled at me, a smile I missed oh-so much but then I saw Gokudera frown and I frowned as well. I knew what he was thinking… And the confrontation wasn't far off, my instincts told me that.

"Anyway, let's go." We should go while I can still keep myself in check. "It's just a waste of time dealing with these things."

I could almost hear the questions buzzing in their heads and see the shock in their eyes.

Many things happened as we walked toward the base and met Reborn. I got to talk to Tsuna which eased a bit of my doubt but made my heart race ever more frantically. Now, it wasn't Lal just watching me but Reborn as well. I guess my expressions weren't as guarded as I thought.

Gokudera punched me, again… And ironically enough it was on the same spot as the last time… And Tsuna… Tsuna's smile dimmed from the truth he had heard.

I so wanted to reach out, to hug his small figure, to whisper that everything would be okay, that this time… this time, he didn't have to be the one to stand in front of everyone with his arms spread in order to protect them…

But then again, I didn't want to _lie…_

Because I knew that somehow, it would _always _be Tsuna who would protect them. Always. Whether he was younger or older, it would always be him.

* * *

><p>That night…<p>

It was no surprise that I couldn't sleep. I just stared at the ceiling of my room blankly as I begun to relive my memories with Tsuna. It was two hours later that I decided to get up. The pain was too unbearable…

The familiar sound of the door automatically sliding open met my hearing. My shirt was unbuttoned and I shivered at the cold air as I walked towards the kitchen to get some milk.

Another automatic door opened as I stepped in. Lal Mirch and Reborn had already gone. That was good, I didn't feel like talking with them anymore. They were too observant earlier.

I placed a hand on the refrigerator. When I opened it I leaned against it and made my eyes shadow as I looked blankly at the contents.

There was a carton of milk. Of course there was always a carton of milk. Ever since Tsuna died, I made sure of that.

The black-haired took it and opened it casually, preparing to chug it all down when…

There was another sound of the door sliding open and my eyes widened as I felt my heart beat fast. My instincts could tell me who it was.

With a fake smile on my face, I turned just as the person began to speak.

"Yama-!"

"Tsuna." I smiled stiffly at the young brunet. The fourteen-year-old Tsuna fidgeted but smiled back. My eyes narrowed and I forgot my discomfort when I saw the red eyes of the brunet.

I put down the carton of milk as I walked towards my young boss in long strides. "Hey… what's the matter? Are you alright?" My voice was soothing, hiding every discomfort and grief in my mind.

"Y-Yamamoto…" And to my surprise, small arms hugged me around the waist as Tsuna began to sniffle on my shirt.

"T-Tsuna?" I asked as I placed my hands on his back, rubbing soothingly, trying to calm him. "H-Hey, it's okay. You can tell me what's wrong." I swallowed thickly as I felt my heart beat achingly.

Having Tsuna in my arms, and knowing that he would disappear someday was the cruelest punishment. If he disappeared again, nothing would stop me from rolling down to insanity.

"T-The future…" Tsuna said and he clutched me even tighter. I think I stopped breathing. "Why is it so messed up?"

My eyes softened as I led Tsuna towards a chair and made him sit. I fought against my pain and looked at him from across the table as I pushed the carton of milk in front of him. "Drink." I ordered him silently and I watched as he reached out and took it. He blinked rapidly before closing his eyes and drinking.

I had my smile ready when he finished.

"I'm sorry Tsuna." I stated in a soft voice, watching as he listened to me but then the sight of Tsuna looking at me made me close my eyes. My grief and sadness were stirring.

"What are you sorry for Yamamoto?"

I laid my head on the table eyes still closed as I talked. "I'm sorry you had to be dragged into this future… I'm sorry that you couldn't have gone to a better one. Because Tsuna, everyone knows that you deserve a much better future than _this…" _

My teeth clenched slightly as I remembered…

Tsuna lying in a coffin all alone.

Tsuna dead…

Then his past self comes and finds himself in a coffin in the middle of nowhere…

"You'll probably, face more sadness and pain in this future with Gokudera." I stated as I slowly opened my eyes. For some reason, Tsuna was looking at me mesmerized. "And I… I hope that this time I can be of help to you and protect you…" I sat up straighter and I looked directly into his eyes. "This time for sure…"

_I'll be there to take the full blast of your burden…_

"How did… How did I die?"

My eyes snapped towards the brunet who looked at me, his face pale but curious. Suddenly my heartbeats sounded loud in my ears and I found my hands shaking. Unable to take it, my eyes shadowed.

"S-Shot…"

"Sorry? What?"

"You were shot to death." I said silently. And the truth of my words brought back flashbacks so powerful that it took my breath away.

"_T-Take G-Gokudera-kun and r-run-!" _Blood. Vivid red blood.

"_Gokudera! We have to get out of here! Tsuna needs medical attention!" _The frantic pounding of his heart, his jittery nerves.

"_Kill! K-Kill t-those d-dam bastards-!" _He remembered dragging the storm, trying to make him retreat.

"_Stupid herbivores. It won't make you weak if you thought of survival first." _Hibari carried the bleeding Tsuna. It was a relief to have the other there.

But…

"_Tsuna is dead…"_

Those words were the last thing I remembered ever since Tsuna's death. The days just seemed to breeze by. People who were unaware of the mafia just went on with their lives as though Tsuna didn't die…

So cruel…

"Yamamoto." Small hands touched my face and I looked up surprised. Tsuna was standing beside me, his expression so worried. "Are you okay? Is something bothering you?"

My eyes widened as I recalled Tsuna's words to me, the night before he died.

"_Are you okay? Is something bothering you?" _The older Tsuna said as he paused by the door. He gave Yamamoto a brief smile before he left. _"Don't worry, everything will be fine…"_

_Just remember to trust me._

"Yamamoto?"

And for the first time, since Tsuna died, I felt something liquid run down my cheeks. Tsuna gasped as I heard him fretting about tissue or something but then I extended my arms and trapped him in my embrace.

I heard him squeal but just ignored it as I buried my face in his shoulders.

"You know Tsuna, ever since that day I haven't cried." I whispered and I could feel Tsuna stiffen. "It hurt so much that it was a relief having to lock my emotions away. To be separated from the pain of losing you even if it's just by a few minutes was such a relief…"

I felt small hands on my hand and I sighed.

"But it also became unbearable…" I continued. "My grief, my sadness and my frustration continued to grow everyday… I didn't know when I was going to burst so I spent as much time away from the family as I can…"

_I didn't want to hurt what you protected._

"Yamamoto you…" I heard Tsuna gulp. "Why…?"

I knew what Tsuna was asking. He was asking why I cared so much that he died. I knew him well enough to guess that.

I let out a strained chuckle as I leaned up and whispered on the standing Tsuna's ear. "It's because I love Tsuna… That's why this is affecting me the most."

"Y-Yamamoto y-you…"

I pulled back and a grin lit up my features. "Maa… maa… I was just kidding. I know that Tsuna likes Sasagawa-chan so you don't have to worry…" I lied as I stood up. Tsuna backed up to give me space. I slung an arm around his shoulders (smaller than before, I could note) and directed him to the door.

"Right now, it's time to sleep… We still have to look for the others tomorrow so you should get some rest." I stated, not letting Tsuna speak and gradually he settled for being quiet.

I ran a hand through his soft hair one last time (in the pretense of patting him) before I watched him give me a small wave and enter his room. I raised a hand to my face and chuckled when I found traces of tears on my cheeks.

Somehow, I felt more light-hearted than before.

* * *

><p>"Millefiore's Black Spell!" I exclaimed.<p>

The day that we went out to search for the other guardians finally arrived… only to be thwarted by the black spell of Millefiore.

We met I-pin and Lambo who were trying to evacuate Sasagawa and Miura. I could see the panic in everyone's face and I couldn't afford to let my guard down what with two inexperienced teens behind me, two other teens who were injured, and two women who had no fighting ability whatsoever.

I explained to Gokudera and Tsuna the importance of rings and boxes as I fought. My eyes were narrowed more than usually because of the fight and I hoped that they took me more seriously because of that.

There were a lot of explosions and I managed well against the enemies even after they figured out my identity as the rain guardian. However, my eyes couldn't help but keep straying towards Tsuna who was looking frantically for _someone _after I-pin's sudden exclamation_…_

"What's the matter?" Tsuna asked. I-pin looked worried and panicked.

"Kyoko-san's not here!" I-pin said and there was a collective gasp as I looked at them gravely.

"N-Now that you mention it…" Lambo said still on the ground.

"Kyoko-chan's…" Tsuna wasn't able to finish.

"T-They might have gotten her in that explosion!" I-pin said, her eyes worried.

"T-That's terrible…" Tsuna said his face paling and my frown deepened. I took a deep breath.

"That's not for sure!" I assured the brunet. I didn't want Tsuna to distress. I wanted him to experience as little pain as possible. Both mentally and physically. I bit my lip and with a resolved voice I said, "Go and look for her Tsuna! I'll take care of the enemy!"

Tsuna nodded and it shook me a bit at how ready he was to go. "I got it!" However, to my surprise he ran towards me first and my eyes widened as he took my hand. His hand felt so warm and small.

"Yamamoto, thank you." He said and I looked at his red face as he tiptoed and gave me a quick peck. I heard Gokudera splutter but the others were not surprised (they knew of our relationship in the future). "I…" Tsuna blushed deeply. "I like you too… A lot."

And probably to save himself from further embarrassment, Tsuna ran, leaving me stunned there with my swords just posing in front of me defensively.

"WHAT THE HELL-?" I heard Gokudera say in the background but Lambo and I-pin managed to subdue him as I faced the enemy. Tazaru and Nosaru (from what I heard since they said their names out loud) were looking at me stunned… Probably from the expression on my face.

"Ahaha! Tsuna is always so unexpected." I grinned. It was my first real grin and laugh in such a long time. "Let's get on with this!"

And so, later…

"I'll finish him off with this…" And for dramatic effect (and out of habit) I threw my boxes up and was about to catch them…

POOF!

When I was about to give the finishing move… I was suddenly surrounded in pink smoke.

I found myself smiling as I was taken to God-knows-where, probably to the same place the older Gokudera was taken to. My eyes looked at the fading face of the younger Gokudera and I wondered worriedly if the young Tsuna was going to be okay.

"Oi baseball idiot!" I looked up just as the smoke vanished and smiled at the 24-year-old Gokudera. He snorted, probably pleased that my smile was back.

"Yoh Gokudera!" I said with a small wave.

"Took you long enough to get here, moron." Gokudera stated as he crossed his arms. I was about to ask where 'here' was but then Gokudera stopped me with a smirk. "You made _him _wait…"

My eyes widened as I felt arms hug me from behind.

"Yamamoto…" Came the gentlest of voices, the one I missed so much. I froze and my heartbeat picked up.

"Tsuna…!" And I turned around to hug the other fully, burying my face in his shoulders in the process. "Thank God…!"

_Finally… Finally…!_

_I can see you again…_

_Finally, I can be with you again!_

_Tsuna…_

* * *

><p><strong>Author's note: <strong>Actually there could also be TYL!8027TYL!27, but then things just get complicated at that rate. Please read and review okay? And guys! We need more 8027 love! 3


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